The warrior who no longer fights her emotions

I will never forget what our Rabbi said an hour after I had a miscarriage at twelve weeks. My husband called to discuss all the relevant halachos (Jewish laws) and the first thing our Rabbi asked was, “Is your wife blaming herself?” Of course, my husband responded yes, and our Rabbi said, “I don’t know why women do this to themselves. Make sure you tell her it’s not her fault.”

I wanted to believe that so badly. I really did. But this nagging voice inside me wouldn’t let me surrender just yet.

He also shared something that comforted me greatly at the time. He said it’s hard to think of it this way, but this is really Hashem’s rachamim, kindness. What? HOW? That was my first thought, too, but then came the reframe. G-d forbid the baby could have been born with something wrong and had a miserable life, so it was really Hashem’s kindness for not allowing that kind of deeper pain to enter the world.

Another person actually shared the same thing with me, but when this person told me it felt like a knife. It’s such a lesson in how your relationship with someone can make all the difference in how something is received. After I confided in someone about my miscarriage she almost dismissed it and said, “It happens to people often, don’t stress about it,” and then added what my Rabbi said. Didn’t quite have the same effect.

I think this can be a hard sentiment to digest especially for different struggles, but at the time with what I was going through this deeply comforted me. I’ve always tried to find the “gam zu ltovah” (everything is for the best) in things, and this one put some major blinders on me, but when our Rabbi said that for just a moment things felt a little lighter. 

That blame lasted for months and then on and off for years in my battle to have more kids. It always resurfaces when well-meaning individuals try and tell me something more I could be doing to make my dream of having more children come true.

It’s always an annoying feeling to admit all the lessons I’ve learned from my struggles. Like Hashem saying, “I told you so…” but super lovingly, of course. 

My thoughts ‘miscarried’ me

After I experienced the trauma of a miscarriage I went back to the therapist I hadn’t seen in years. I was devastated by the fact that I was sick for months and the only thing getting me through it was that I would have a baby. Then, it just felt like I went through that nightmare for nothing.

Mixed with all the hormones from what my body had gone through were some intense emotions that I realized I was not equipped to deal with successfully on my own. 

First, I had to work through my intense guilt. “Was it those Wal-mart brand kosher cheetos? Did I not daven enough? Was I too lazy while I wasn’t feeling well? Did I let my son watch too many videos while I was holed up in the bathroom vomiting? I must have caused this!” 

My therapist reframed guilt as intent to harm. She asked if I intended to cause harm to myself, or intentionally letting my family down from this hope and potential joy? Of course the answer is no – so my guilt wasn’t really the right direction. 

My therapist showed me The Work of Byron Katie. The worksheet is meant for coping with a difficult relationship, but we applied it to my recent trauma. Once you answer the questions, then you do a turnaround to reframe the thoughts. It can be powerful and very poetic the way she essentially reframes darkness into light.

 When you see the worksheet, it makes more sense. For my turn-around, I remember writing down the words “My thoughts miscarried me.”Just as my miscarriage took away my potential child, my own thoughts were taking away my sanity.

I also learned how to stop fighting my emotions. Recently, I did a meditation during acupuncture after a holy conversation with the practitioner, Zahava. I imagined waves drowning me and every time I began to tread water another would come. 

I then imagined diving deep into the ocean with beautiful, colorful fish and coral surrounding me. The scene immediately turned tranquil.

I am determined to find my tranquil ocean beneath the surface of my own struggle waves. Byron Katie’s work is aptly named because this really does take WORK to do!

Finding meaning in suffering 

While I was pregnant with the child I miscarried, I saw an opportunity for a Taharas Mishpacha (laws related to marital purity)  refresher course. Honestly, I don’t know why I even joined because 1) I was pregnant at the time so a lot of these laws were irrelevant to me for the time being, and 2) I was so completely nauseated that I couldn’t even go in person and had to join by phone. This was long before COVID before that was just a normal part of our existence. 

I remember in the class the speaker shared that she had experienced multiple miscarriages. She explicitly said she shared that information because it can be an isolating experience and she wanted to put it out there in case anyone knew someone who could benefit from support. 

In this class, she shared a story of how after a miscarriage she went to a mentor who had a number of kids. Her assumption was that someone who had this many children must have experienced a loss. As she poured her heart out, she was met with discomfort when the mentor said, “I’m so sorry to hear, but I’ve never experienced anything like that.” 

At that point, I thought to myself, “That’s the dream! A bunch of kids and no losses.” The next week I had a miscarriage. 

I reached out to the speaker and met up with her for moral support. I shared this experience with her and she said, “Adina, you wouldn’t really have wanted that… You wouldn’t want to be the person that someone came to for comfort and was incapable of meeting them with sensitivity and empathy.”

It really struck me because I think she was right. I thought back to when I lost my father eight years ago while in seminary at Neve. It was sudden and tragic and one of the darkest times in my life.

When I returned back to Israel, I found I was able to be there for friends going through a challenging time because I had this new empathy. And even though I miss my father a”h every day, I am grateful for that sensitivity his loss has given me.

Maybe it’s not the situation I would have chosen for myself, but once I was already there of course I would want to be there for others who are G-d forbid going through a similar trauma. 

It took me a while to sift through my thoughts and feelings to get to the healthy-ish place I am now. Thank G-d! I can honestly say that I am grateful for my struggle because of the sensitivity its given me not just towards people in my same struggle, but almost a universal empathy to connect to pain. I recognize it as a blessing, even though it was a very rocky path to get to that realization.

Learning to surrender

Fighting my emotions comes very naturally to me. When I’m feeling down I am so uncomfortable. I now know the only way to get out of it and stay out is to face my feelings rather than fight them. 

I have a friend who doubles as my spiritual guide that I was blessed to have a long catch-up with recently. It was one of those connecting, healing conversations and it definitely helped that I was walking on the relaxing shore of Lake Michigan while we spoke. 

I mentioned to her that I was struggling with a certain area of religious observance. When I make a mistake, in this area or any other, I get this horrible feeling but am nervous it’s tied to feelings of being divinely punished. 

I’m a pretty hyper-spiritual person, I mean soul, and this concept has always plagued me. Especially with my current struggle with secondary infertility, it’s hard to fight that feeling sometimes. It’s even harder when well-meaning people reinforce unhealthy ideologies to me.

In our conversation, my friend asked me whether I could separate the thoughts. To work hard and do my best because that feeling is indicative that it’s what I really want to do, but disconnect it from “the lightning will strike” punishment mentality. 

Just when she said that it was like permission to breathe again. It was a simple reframe, but it made a world of difference for me and something I had been struggling with for years. 

Spiritual krav maga 

We so often hear that if we do everything right we’ll be rewarded. I think this train of thought falls prey to one of the most damaging parts of our current existence which is the loss of nuance and intense polarization across the board. Nothing is black and white or nearly as simple as we’d like it to be. Even that last statement! It’s just not how the world works even though we do crave things to fit a certain mold.

I like to think of this shift to surrendering as spiritual krav maga. I briefly took krav maga in college and loved every second of it. I don’t think I’ve ever done something where I felt so empowered. 

One aspect that drew me in was how in krav maga you often don’t resist the attacks but use their momentum in your counter-attack. When someone grabs you, the gut instinct is to pull back and try to escape. Instead of resisting, Krav maga teaches you to go forward with their pull and punch them in the nose or groin. 

I try to do the same thing with my thoughts and emotions now. Instead of fighting with them (pushing them away and not dealing), I use the momentum of where they are going to get to some deeper place of understanding and self-awareness. 

How exactly do I do this? First, it takes a lot of work and time and a crazy amount of reframing. I like to be patient and trust the process so I could ruminate on something for weeks before figuring out exactly where that thought is supposed to propel me next.

Practically, the most effective path I’ve found is talking with my husband, soul friends or therapist about it. I also find journaling, reading,  running or going out into nature to think helps me clear my head and find direction. Praying for clarity is usually my go-to starting position and asking Hashem to carry me through any hard time. 

Looking back, I don’t blame myself for having a miscarriage and I certainly don’t blame myself for struggling with infertility. But it did take me a long time to unlearn. There were trip-ups like when well-meaning friends would do or say things to reinforce some of these negative ideas, but I’m getting pretty good at my spiritual krav maga.

 At the end of the day, I do my best, G-d does the rest. And whatever the reason – I’ll leave that to G-d and use my energy to be the best version of myself.