Processing the War in Israel with Your American Jewish Friend

Am I dreaming? This is crazy. Unbelievable. No, not really happening. “Never again,” right?!

My thoughts and emotions have been swirling around, touching on so many of the complex aspects of this experience. Unfortunately, I’m no longer living in Israel so I can’t give a first-hand account of what it’s like, though I wish more than anything I could be there.

Instead, I thought I would take you for a ride through this past week’s thought map to shine a light on how this is affecting me (though based on my conversations with friends and social media posts many can relate.)

 1)      I’m afraid

I suffer from anxiety and it’s constant work to reroute my anxious and fear-driven thoughts. This is super triggering for me. I have family and friends in Israel and I worry about them. I’m also afraid living here where I know the safety we feel is likely just an illusion.

Yesterday I was sitting in my living room when I heard a helicopter fly by. Wait, it’s not flying by, it’s hovering right above my house! Five minutes later another one came. My first thought was that there was an attack here.

I went on the Ring neighbor’s app (something my husband recommends I absolutely NEVER do) and read that there were reports of a fire at the JCC, just a few blocks from my house. “NOOOO it is a terror attack,” I thought. Thank G-d, it was actually a kitchen fire at the senior center behind the JCC (everyone was fine!) but it was so scary how fast my mind escalated that situation.

• I’m afraid sending my son to school
• I’m afraid taking my baby for a walk
• I’m afraid when my husband goes to the store
• I’m afraid for my family to go to synagogue on Shabbos this week

I lived in Israel during a wave of stabbing attacks when my older son was a baby. Two attacks happened at our train stop and before that it always felt like danger was more distant. My husband was on a trip to America and I was alone with my baby.

I was scared to go to the store but needed food so I went. I watched mothers in my neighborhood send their kids off to school on public buses and life resumed as normal. In that moment, I told myself this is how I will be a soldier – If I am going to live here, I’m not going to let the fear defeat me.

I’m telling this story mainly to myself, to be reminded that in this way I am a soldier and I won’t let them weaken me with fear. Well, I am really going to try to be brave. (It’s not going to be easy… This situation is actually a nightmare.)

2)      Checking news sources that I know are extraordinarily biased just to see in real-time how messed up this is

Many people don’t know this about me, but I used to have a pretty bad anger problem. Thank G-d, with years of healing and practice I don’t consider myself an angry person but I will say the news coverage and media bias are out of control.

I have been reading/watching report after report with headlines like “Millions in Gaza have nowhere to go as Israeli bombs fall from the sky.” The reporter spends 98% of the story showing hurt Gazan children and rockets raining on Gaza and 2% that this is in response to an attack over the weekend.

And for the first time in a long time, I feel that anger bubbling deep inside like a volcano. 

The Jewish people are strong, resilient and a very spiritual people. The only way I can explain this complete insanity is that there is something larger at play that we just can’t understand. It just doesn’t make sense. I pray that people will think for themselves, do their due diligence and use critical thinking before choosing to side with ACTUAL TERRORISTS.

I spoke with a friend today who also checks totally biased news sources and can’t stop. I do think it’s important to witness to get a pulse on what people are being fed (even if it’s poison!) Most of my Facebook feed is filled with pro-Israel supporters or Israelis so just looking at that is way more hopeful.

Still, I just can’t believe it… I’m really in shock that so many loud voices can gloss right past the brutal attacks over the weekend and go right into turning against them. I keep trying to think of a metaphor, but I don’t think there is one because it’s simply unethical, insensitive, and downright evil.  

Then there comes the added pressure of finding reputable sources. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and only see the situation from biased perspectives even if they are way less troubling to digest. I think that’s maybe the reason I check all different news sources, just to see if I can use my own critical thinking to read between the lines of what the truth is behind biased reporting.

All while trying to balance staying updated and not letting it consume me. I’ve read so many of the reports of innocent Israelis who were slaughtered and it’s too much for a soul to bear. May we know no more suffering. 

3)      I feel guilty living life normally

It’s a strange feeling being away from Israel physically, but also feeling so strongly that my heart is there. I was sitting at a local park while my two boys played and was laughing with them. Then I thought, “How can I be laughing right now when there is so much suffering?” As Jews, we’ve always had to compartmentalize our many great tragedies and great joys but I’m finding it to be a challenge.

I want to connect, even if it’s really painful. I made Aliyah and am legally an Israeli and with that I put the pressure on myself to experience this like an Israeli. The key difference is that I only lived in Israel for 2 years and that my life is here now so whether I like it or not, I’m removed. And I hate it. At the same time, I’m also grateful that I’m in America right now feeling safer (for now at least). And I hate that, too.

4)      I’m feeling self-conscious about my knowledge and history of the situation

I will not pretend for one second to be an expert on the topic of Middle East history. I have plenty of friends who I do consider to be experts and would happily defer to them for that type of conversation. I have spent serious time in college and in my adult life researching the history and trying to deeply understand the history and conflict with all of the nuanced intricacies.  

But when the situation escalated, it did remind me that I am not an expert and I wish I was. I wish I knew every piece of history so I could fight and hold my own in a debate. I’ll stick to other ways of fighting for Israel (donations, checking in on friends, prayer, more prayer.) Even so, I’ve been spending much of my free time researching and reviewing history because it’s such an important puzzle piece that explains how we got here (spoiler alert: it’s not so simple.)

5)      Praying is all I can do but I’m finding it hard to pray

I like to think that I have a close relationship to G-d. I try to take time every day to connect, and I think it’s one of the biggest reasons I love nature so much: it’s where I feel most connected spiritually.

Right now, I am finding myself feeling blocked and I know I need to figure that out because praying feels like all I can do. I sit with my son and watch him pray and it makes me so proud. I just have to work at tapping into that, even though it feels like I’m stuck.

Maybe it’s because I’m angry…

Maybe it’s because I need to work on my faith and remind myself how powerful every prayer and every voice is…

Maybe it’s because right now I just have to sit with this pain for a little while longer until a true prayer for peace emerges…

May it be a peaceful Shabbos for us all, and may G-d bring lasting peace and healing soon.