It’s no secret that major challenges are meant to be a catalyst for deep, meaningful and heartfelt prayers. At the same time, when life’s waves feel like they are drowning you it can be hard enough to burst out a quick, “Save me!”
Recently I realized that I have just been WhatsApp-ing Hashem. That’s how I have often felt on this four-year-long journey to having another child. Sure, there have been some real, tear-soaked prayers that I treasure, but most frequently it’s been through a quick text. Maybe sometimes even just an emoji prayer. 👶🏻💞😭
When I lost my father almost eight years ago, I actually had one of the most powerful prayers I have ever experienced. From the time he died until the funeral I was not able, according to Jewish law, to pray. I remember thinking that was so strange – I have always been taught to talk to Hashem (G-d) whenever I need, and at this time I needed him most!
The power of that first prayer that I uttered after the funeral is hard to describe. The only way that I could put it into words is that it felt like a hug from Hashem and an insane level of closeness. Definitely beats a hug emoji. 🤗
The 614th commandment – BE NORMAL!
There were other, similar moments in my life of incredible, meditative prayer experiences at the times in my life when I was in deep pain or inspirationally high. I have been told (over and over and over again) that inspiration waxes and wanes and that is a normal part of life.
Something that my Rabbi in college shared with me still comforts me to this day. Rabbi Schwartz would say that although the Torah has 613 commandments, there should be an extra 614th commandment to “be normal.”
Before I got married, my therapist at the time recommended I try something called Cranial Sacral Therapy. From my experience, it seemed like talk therapy and massage combined. She noticed a particularly tense area of my shoulders and as we talked through it we uncovered my deep-rooted belief that I am not normal.
Anyone that knows me would probably laugh at that because I definitely do march to my own beat. What she meant is that I have trouble accepting that I’m ordinary, mediocre even. That I want to be extraordinary and the best at whatever I set out to do.
Anything but ordinary
I’ve contemplated that idea greatly over the last seven years. On the one hand, of course, we have our own unique talents that make us “extraordinary.” After all, G-d is the one who puts the thought in me to be great and try to do everything as best I can. But maybe I really do expect too much of myself and accepting that “I’m only human” could be liberating.
Part of being a normal human means it’s hard, if not impossible, to feel inspired all the time. It’s actually probably very normal to have the ups and downs. I should probably write that down on a sticky note just as a reminder whenever I need it. The challenge: It physically, emotionally and spiritually hurts when I am not feeling inspired. So how do I balance this equation?!
A common denominator of the “spiritually high” moments has been during times in my life where my “inspiration tank” is full. I now try my best to take active steps to fill my tank and know that if I’m not feeling inspired either A) That’s just how I am supposed to be feeling right now or B) I wasn’t as diligent about filling the tank that week.
Some of the activities I find helpful are listening to shiurim, going out to nature, making time for prayer (whether it’s meaningful or rushed!) and reading. Recently, I started learning two different books with friends and it filled me up so much. Actually, this is probably a good reminder to me to start that up again. 📚
The biggest breakthrough I’ve had in this area is learning to accept that sometimes the texts to G-d are OK and actually can be a great way to connect especially when combined with an actual conversation once in a while. Woo-hoo, balance! 🥳
Change can be sweet
Rosh Hashana is the Jewish New Year and has always been an extra deep time of contemplation for me. Even when I don’t make time to really prepare for the holidays like I want to I find that my mind is swirling with reflections.
In the car, I downloaded a class to listen to and it was seriously just what I needed. Don’t you just love when that happens?! Anyway, in her class on the Hebrew month of Elul, Mrs. Amit Yaghoubi shares that the שרש (Root) of the Hebrew word for שנה ‘year’ is the same root as the word for ‘change’ שנוי.
She shares that every Rosh Hashana we have the power to completely change who we are and change our trajectory no matter what happened in the past. She then quotes the Sfas Emes, a late-20th century Rabbi, who says, שורש כל השינוים, Rosh Hashana is the source of all change.
As the month of אלול Elul is wrapping up, I can take comfort in knowing that I’m right now focusing on the אל part. In Hebrew, the preposition אל “EL” means TO and that’s where I’m headed: Striving for meaningful conversations with G-d, pouring my soul out for what I want most, and knowing that even a quick “WhatsApp” to Hashem is the path leading me there.
I once heard an idea that I think about every year. Why is the Jewish New Year called Rosh Hashana, Head of the Year, when it is really the day of judgment? Why wouldn’t it be called something like, “Judgment day?!” No matter where you were this is the time to focus on where you want to go. The HEAD comes before the YEAR which emphasizes that YOU have the power to determine the year ahead with your decisions.
May Hashem bless us all with a sweet, new year of revealed goodness and to have the clarity to balance being normal and also striving for the best possible versions of ourselves. 🍎🍯
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