Making the most of my endless commutes

Between my acupuncture, vision therapy and other seemingly endless appointments, my car has become more like a mobile home to me. At first, I dove deep into all that Spotify’s music selection had to offer me. I belted out music until my throat was sore which was enjoyable until I started getting sick of all my favorite songs.

I used to be the type of person who listened to shiurim (Torah classes) weekly. When I was finishing up college and itching to go to Israel to learn, I made my own “seminary” which consisted of “Skype chevrusas” with friends and a lot of online classes. 

Over the years, it’s been much harder to commit to listening to classes in their entirety. As I found myself craving something more from my frequent commutes, I started downloading Torah Anytime classes that I could listen to in the car. 

Secrets of the month

On the way to my most recent acupuncture appointment, I decided to search for a shiur on the month of Tammuz in honor of Rosh Chodesh (the new month.)  I discovered  a class given by Rebbetzin Tamar Taback who I had never heard speak before. I normally listen to speakers I’m familiar with, but her class title “The Month of Tammuz and Healing your Inner Child” instantly drew me in.

In the beginning of the class, she went through healing from deep mystical Torah sources that I’ll have to listen to again while I’m not driving to fully understand. One piece I was able to grasp while also following the rules of the road is that the series of Hebrew months Nisan, Iyar and Sivan represent Hashem’s intervention and revealed goodness through the exodus from Egypt, receiving manna in the desert and ultimately the giving of the Torah. 

On the other hand, the months of Tammuz, Av and Elul are like Hashem saying, “Now it’s your turn.” She compares the dichotomy of these series of months to a child learning to ride a bike. In Nisan, Iyar and Sivan it’s like the metaphorical parent holding a child on a bike, holding them and pushing them along. Then in Tammuz, Av and Elul, the parent let’s go and the child learns how to navigate on their own, often with a few scrapes and bumps. 

I got about half way through the class and then arrived for my acupuncture appointment which I consider a “healing chavrusa” because 1) My acupuncturist Zahava and I have the deepest conversations and 2) I always leave feeling physically and emotionally better and spiritually inspired.

The idol of pain

Back in the car for the second half of the class, Rebbetzin Tabak shared that the names we use for the Hebrew months are actually Babylonian. However, the name Tammuz is found in Tanach in Yehezkel.

וַיָּבֵ֣א אֹתִ֗י אֶל־פֶּ֙תַח֙ שַׁ֣עַר בֵּית־יְהֹוָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֖ר אֶל־הַצָּפ֑וֹנָה וְהִנֵּה־שָׁם֙ הַנָּשִׁ֣ים יֹשְׁב֔וֹת מְבַכּ֖וֹת אֶת־הַתַּמּֽוּז׃ {ס}         

Next He brought me to the entrance of the north gate of the House of the LORD; and there sat the women bewailing Tammuz.

Rebbetzin Tabak brings down a Rashi on this verse explaining that the Tammuz was a name of an idol that was made of stone with eyes of lead. They would light a fire in it and the lead would melt making it look like it was crying as if it were saying, “Serve me, come close to me.” 

That’s not how we are taught to process pain in this world – by serving an idol of any kind however tempting it may be. The effective way to move forward is by learning to feel our emotions no matter how hard and uncomfortable they may be. 

Rebbetzin Tabak says that pain is an invitation to healing ourselves, to bring healing to our inner child and elevate ourselves. The purpose of Tammuz is for the light of emuna and Torah to reach the dark spots normally untouched by light.

This is the month that begins our collective pain and tears with the siege of Jerusalem taking place culminating with Tisha B’av and the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash. 

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” -Haruki Murakami

As I was laying on the acupuncture table, I was thinking about how annoying and seemingly life-ruining my headaches are. Using this new mindset shift, the desire to heal my headaches brought me to acupuncture where I get to learn from a fellow light-seeker and gave me an hour on the way to gain inspiration to help get me through the dark months to come.

I once saw a Kosher astrologist who shared with me that as a result of my Scorpio  astrological sign in so many of the houses (mostly went over my head but I was intrigued!) I experience a great deal of pain, suffering and general intensity  in my life.

It didn’t take an astrologer for me to realize that because objectively speaking I have had a great deal of painful experiences in my life. A famous saying in Judaism popped into my mind: Ain Mazal L’Yisrael, There is no constellation for Israel. Essentially, it means that we have the power to rise above our “stars” or natural inclinations.

The idea that I am destined to be a “dark” person didn’t sit well with me.  It took one of my amazing friends to help me find the way to process these two seemingly conflicting ideas about my mazal. I was sharing with her how these two ideas were jumbled in my brain, and she simply responded, “Adina, you aren’t surrounded by darkness, you are just meant to turn it into light.” 

Opportunity for light

This notion of darkness is intertwined with the month of Tammuz. According to the Sefer Yetzirah, the letter associated with the month of Tammuz is “Ches” which is the first letter of the word “Choshech,” the Hebrew word for darkness. The sense associated with Tammuz is sight, because sometimes the only difference between darkness and light is how we choose to see it.

I’m taking this month to actively focus on twisting my darkness into light. Part of that is trying to include more heartfelt prayer and adding yoga into my daily routine. I found a powerful Tammuz Yoga Flow which ended with the quote from Francis Weller:  “In truth, without some familiarity with sorrow, we do not mature as men and women. It is the broken heart, the part that knows sorrow, that is capable of genuine love.” 

I love this quote because it flips the dark experience of pain into being able to open up to experience light and joy. 

Rebbetzin Tabak ends with the idea that we have an opportunity as a broken nation to try to see Hashem even when it’s dark by bringing joy into the world. Right now things in the world seem very dark on so many levels. That’s our opportunity, though, to feel our emotions and pray that we will be blessed to see revealed goodness individually and collectively.