Running the gentle cycle this Yom Kippur

My name is Adina which in Hebrew means gentle. I actually found it hysterical that in Israel the washing machines have an “Adina” cycle. Sometimes I laugh about my name because for most of my life I never resonated with it. As a kid, I went by “Dee” because I hated my name so much. I considered myself a tomboy, spending my time playing sports. 

In college, I roomed with another Adina. Although I had always gone by Dina or Dee (I know, Dina is SO different…) having another Adina in my life opened the door for me to start loving and growing into my name. 

Most of this happened completely subconsciously. One day I realized a deeper reason why I struggled with my name: Adina means gentle, but how I treat myself is anything but gentle.

My kind of scales 

My therapist years ago told me to imagine that I talked to my son like I talk to myself in my head. The thought made me cringe and that sparked my journey to being more Adina with myself. Honestly, it took a while but I am at a place right now where I do feel at peace with my name because I have infused gentle-ness into my being. 

So, here I am working on being gentle and forgiving of myself, trying to do good and be good, but in a low(er) pressure way and then BAM! Yom Kippur strikes! On the surface, here we are taking 25 hours to literally beat our chest to seemingly beat ourselves up over our mistakes. Doesn’t this seem counterintuitive to my Adina journey?! 

The answer is of course finding the right balance between acknowledging the things I could have done better without getting self-deprecating. And get it about the scales and balance? Because our deeds are weighed!  Anyway…

I have a very special friend (you know who you are!) who has been my guide on this journey to viewing Hashem (G-d) as an unconditionally loving G-d. When I started figuring out my spiritual, religious observance level for myself in college, for some reason I gravitated towards the “what not to do’s” versus the “to do’s.”

One of my favorite teaching tools that I learned years ago in Israel simply uses a piece of paper with a black dot. I would ask my students (or friends, or anyone who would listen to me) what they saw.

When not trying to overthink it, they would say “a black dot.” I would point out that there is white paper all around, but we tend to focus on the black dot and ignore the white paper. I think we do this in life, too. We focus on the “bad” when in reality there is goodness surrounding it.

Real teshuva – beyond ‘wash, rinse, repeat’

On Yom Kippur it seems to be all about the black dot – beating ourselves up for not living up to our potential. But there is also incredible joy at being given the chance for forgiveness and to try harder.

Here, we are focusing on the times we missed the mark to say sorry and resolve to do better going forward. As long as it is with that mindset, it doesn’t seem so contradictory anymore.

Last night, on the night before Yom Kippur, I attended a community event on zoom with seven different speakers. It was incredibly inspirational, but something my Rabbi, Rabbi Gross, said really resonated with me.

Rabbi Gross shared that on Yom Kippur we are like angels. Throughout the year we learn that it is a higher level to be human because angels don’t have the struggles or free will that we have. “A human that does good is greater than an angel.” 

Gently beating my chest

Tomorrow night right after Yom Kippur ends, (and after we eat!) we go right into building our sukkah, a clear example of humans elevating the natural world to a holy level. We take wood and branches and make them into a hut used to bring holiness into our world. 

But on Yom Kippur, we experience one day like an angel to know the feeling of transcending this world. And it takes acknowledging the things that we did wrong to purify ourselves to get to that point. For some people, it might be too easy, for others too hard. At least on this day, it’s the appropriate time to channel that feeling.

This Yom Kippur, I’ll beat my chest for all the missed opportunities and potential. But at the same time, I will give myself a breath as a reminder that G-d made me imperfect and that G-d knows I’m trying my best. I’m still going to run my spiritual washing machine this year, but don’t worry – I will make sure to use the Adina cycle!

G’mar Chasima Tova – May we all be sealed in the book of life!