Taking my day of fear into the days of awe 

This past week something pretty terrifying happened to me. Right before it happened, I was listening to a class by Rebbetzin Esther Wein. In the class, she mentioned how when we experience something in this world it’s meant to prompt us to ask ourselves “What can this teach us?”  I am hoping if I can share this experience and connect it to Rosh Hashana in some way I’ll allow some meaningful healing in. 

I was in the mood for an afternoon walk and my husband had a few minutes in between meetings. I wrapped up my two-month-old baby in the carrier and got ready to go. We walked to grab an iced drink enjoying the beautiful weather and each other’s company. 

It was so peaceful and that peace was amplified by the fact that my beautiful miracle baby was sleeping in the carrier. 

My real-life scary story 

On our way back home, we crossed the street and then heard a bang coming from the intersection. At first, I just noticed the Geek Squad van backing up rapidly. Then I saw two men in black ski masks jump out of their car and began trying to break into the van. 

My first thought was that this was some prank or just people playing around. Quickly I realized this was not the case. I immediately went into fight or flight mode and started backing away. I ran as fast as I could while safely carrying my baby to someone’s porch and hid behind bushes. 

I expected my husband to follow me, but he did not and because I was hidden I couldn’t see him. My legs started to tremble and my heart began to race in a way that I’ve only felt one other time in my life. 

My anxious brain went to this place: The Geek Squad van drove away and now these two masked men went after my husband. In my mind’s eye, I saw them coming after me and my baby on this secluded porch.  At that moment, I  was completely terrified and helpless. Standing and quietly shaking while my baby peacefully slept, I uttered the most intense and pure tefilla (prayer)  to keep my husband safe, bring him back to me, keep us safe and the Geek Squad driver safe. I kept repeating it over and over. 

After a few minutes on the porch, I mustered the courage to peek out from behind the bushes. Thank G-d, I saw my husband safely standing on the corner on the phone. Everyone else had fled. 

I listened as he spoke with 911 describing the scene and tried to catch my breath to calm my nervous system back down. My baby still slept peacefully. 

A woman and her husband got out of their car across the street and she approached me. We commiserated in how terrifying that scene we just witnessed was. She told me how she saw me with my little baby and was screaming in her head for me to run and get to safety. She wished me a blessed new year, and I added that it should be safe! 

We waited for the police to arrive and described the scene to them. Both my husband and I were completely shaken. 

What this scary incident brought up 

I’ve only ever felt true fear like this was when I was a little ten-year-old girl. I was having a sleepover with all my friends before I moved from Kentucky to Illinois. We were having the best time and I vividly remember feeling completely happy and carefree. 

Unfortunately, I also vividly remember what happened next and it’s a memory that has haunted me to this day. 

As we were running around playing, I glanced over at the window. The first thing I noticed was a light reflecting from the window onto the floor and I thought that was strange. I looked harder and realized there was a face of a man with a video camera. I screamed the loudest, deepest scream imaginable and ushered all of my friends into my parents’ room. 

The next morning, we went out to the scene of the crime and saw a chair with a footprint on it and noticed that the screen had been cut. I remember that it looked like it was cut in the shape of Texas and the image is burned into my brain. 

That experience changed me. No longer was I carefree, but I was filled with an anxiety and danger response that I’ve never fully been able to heal from. Night terrified me for a long time and only after taking martial arts and getting a dog did I feel any safety at all. As an adult I finally saw a therapist to learn how to live functionally with my fear. 

Coping strategies

When that incident happened as a child, I didn’t have the tools to heal almost at all. Now, Thank G-d, after therapy and much more life experience I have an emotional toolbox full of coping skills. I have since learned how to heal my inner child, hugging that little ten-year-old me and validating how intensely scary that experience was. 

I have found parenting itself to be quite healing. Going back and hugging my inner child was one piece, but the real work happened by reflecting on what I needed then to be able to move forward now. Now as a mother, I try to use this idea to ensure I am giving my kids that space and attention, even if it’s challenging and uncomfortable.  

Just as writing and playing music is my way to process difficult emotions, I aim to serve as a guide for my kids to find the mode of expression that is healing for them. 

My three takeaways

This experience really shook me and for a second on that stoop, I was still that terrified ten-year-old girl. Now with my coping strategies in use, I can better process this experience and use it as a catalyst for inspiration going into the Yomim Noraim (High Holidays).

The Yomim Noraim focus so much on these concepts – prayer, awe and forgiveness. This scary experience this past week definitely put me in the mood for all three. 

• 1. Prayer 

One of my most treasured teachers, Rebbetzin Silber, recently taught us that the Likutei Moharan in the book on Rosh Hashana says you have to believe that each word of your prayer could be the key to unlock whatever door you are trying to open. 

This past week, for a second I let myself succumb to the fear that these masked men had control. My prayer quickly reminded me that only Hashem is in control. Of course we have our hishtadlus (effort) in the world, and that’s why I chose to hide with my baby behind a bush. But I was reminded that once I turn to prayer for safety I am able to surrender to the One who is in control. 

In her class, Rebbetzin Silber reminded us to pay attention to each word of our prayer. I will extend that as a practical lesson to pay more attention to everything around us – the good and the bad. I am a pretty naturally spacy person, and this was definitely a Shofar-like wake-up call to be aware of my surroundings, but at the same time not let that fear take over my life. 

When I was standing on that porch, praying that everything would be OK, I truly believed it would be and that Hashem would protect us. On Rosh Hashana, I want to try to tap into the intensity of that prayer with everything else I am praying for. 

• 2. Forgiveness

Just as Hashem forgives us for everything we do wrong, it’s our job to emulate Him by rising to the challenge of forgiving those who wronged us. Both the man at the window and the men with the masks wronged me by making me feel so scared and shaking my faith, even if just for a moment.

I am now choosing to reframe my thoughts to forgiveness. In processing this ordeal, I started thinking about what led these men to this moment. Were they abused? Did their hard life drive them to crime? Were they ever afforded the opportunity to learn coping skills for the trauma they have experienced? This doesn’t condone their despicable behavior one bit, but it does help me to see their imperfect humanity and allow myself to release the darkness and let the light of forgiveness seep in. 

In that same class, Rebbetzin Silber also talks about Pruzbol. I don’t know if this is just me, but sometimes I learn a new concept and then all of a sudden start noticing it everywhere. Earlier this week I got an email from our shul about Pruzbol and thought about how I had never heard that word before.

I learned that Pruzbol is a document to enable a loan to be collected even after the Shemitta (Sabbatical) year is over. Without the document, all loans are forgiven at the end of the Shemitta year. Rebbetzin Silber connected this idea of loan forgiveness to forgiveness in general and how we have to rise to the occasion to be able to truly forgive. And even though it may take time and self-work, it is the G-dly thing to do.  That is what I am trying to do and even just the attempt is making me feel lighter.

• 3. Awe 

To be honest, the concepts of awe and fear are still confusing for me and it’s a lifelong journey to clarify that for myself. I know that awe is totally different than fear, but the shared elements make it hard for me to separate them logically and emotionally.

 I have spent my whole life trying to cultivate a meaningful relationship with G-d. In the last five years especially, I have been focusing most of that energy on feeling G-d’s unconditional love and also the awe of connecting with the one who controls everything. 

My favorite album to listen to around this time of year is Shlomo Katz’ “Live in Melbourne.” In one of the songs, he describes the awe when people would fall on their faces just at the sound of G-d’s name. But we are in exile where the world is broken and connecting to that is out of reach. 

One of my main takeaways from the experience was that feeling of brokenness in the world. Bringing back these feelings of fear made me feel broken. Watching these people with broken parts commit crime shows their brokenness. It’s a powerful reminder that this world is broken and if only we could all pray with that kind of intensity to fix all of our collective broken pieces we can move toward our collective ultimate healing – GEULA! (REDEMPTION!)  

Wishing you all a Shana Tova U’mesuka, A good, sweet and safe new year where we can use our experiences to heal, grow and bring some much-needed light into the world!