Ways to (not) be there for a fertility warrior

I may sometimes lovingly refer to myself as a fertility warrior, but that doesn’t mean I always feel like it. The ups and downs of a fertility struggle, or any struggle for that matter, can make being there for someone you love really hard. 

Like that time I bought a van and people kept asking me why. “Why do you need a van, you only have one son?” At first, I would just say that it was helpful for carpool. I wish I could have explained that I still have hope despite years of trying, and long for the day that I could fill my van. 

If I was going to give someone simple advice in a TL;DR style it would be this: Treat everyone with compassion over pity. That’s the big secret I’ve found to people who have effectively been able to be there for me.

The way you approach someone matters and even a slightly intuitive person can pick up on it. There have been way too many moments to count that led me to run home to tell my husband, “Well, just had another triggering/ insensitive conversation.” 

What I’ve also found is that there are some ways to NOT be there. Normally I’m all about positive reinforcement leading the way, but maybe I just need to vent and hope that it helps save someone from future well-meaning torture. 

Don’t complain about your new baby or problems to try to “make me feel better.”

This is the number one moment that I felt most pitied like I wasn’t even “me” anymore, but just a “blob with infertility struggles.” And the worst is that it often felt like the most popular interaction. 

I was once at the mall and ran into a friend who recently had a baby. The first thing she said to me was, “Adina, don’t think it gets any easier. This baby just cries all the time and honestly my pregnancy anxiety was unbearable.” That’s a lot to unpack outside Forever 21. 

First thought, “Ugh, you sound so ridiculously ungrateful right now.” I know, I know, not so nice. Whenever that initial mean thought comes into my brain I feel awful, mentally, spiritually and physically. My trick here is to give them a bracha (blessing). Any bracha is fine, but the more you practice the less sarcastic they become. (Side note: this is also amazing for any frustrating area of life, especially traffic!) 

• I hope she has a great day!
• G-d should bless her with good health!
• May she not trigger anyone else! (see what I mean about the sarcastic ones?!)

Second thought, “Everyone is entitled to feel their feelings. After all, everyone’s struggles affect them deeply, unrelated to your own.” Wow, taking the high road – I like it! 

In college, I once heard someone tell a story about how if you went to an airport baggage conveyor belt of people’s problems, you would always pick your own. It may not feel like it and I can’t always tap into it, but somewhere in my brain-soul connection I do know that Hashem really does give us our own, perfectly crafted struggles. I’ll reiterate – knowing and feeling it are very different, and sometimes depending on where you are on the rollercoaster, this idea feels like a gut-punch. 

Back to the third thought which has been a really important one. Both  thoughts one and two can be true at the same time (Hey, Duality!) The third thought is about my boundaries. Everyone is entitled to have struggles, but not everyone can be there for you through them and THAT’S OK! 

As I was starting my IVF journey, a close friend was going through postpartum depression. That was really hard for both of us in different ways. We both weren’t really able to be there for each other because we are battling our own darkness, but we both understood that boundaries were necessary. That didn’t make it easier, and I’m sure it really hurt us both at times, but I think that being understanding and doing what is best for yourself can be healing. 

Like anything in life, it’s about finding balance. Complain too much and you offend, but don’t complain at all and then it becomes weird. Often people would confuse ‘not complaining’ with ‘not being real or genuine with me’ which also hurt. I think as with most things there’s a thin line of how to be sensitive and normal at the same time. That might take practice and a recalibration of the “common sense” GPS navigation.

If you are unsure of what to say or do, sometimes just staying quiet is the best way to be there.

Don’t bring up surrogacy or adoption, but keep the door open for a conversation.

I got a pit in my stomach every time some well-meaning friend or family member would bring this up. Thank G-d there are so many options for family building, but not all options are a good fit in every situation. 

In the early years of my fertility struggle, people would ask me if I’ve considered these options and I had barely even accepted secondary infertility as my challenge! All I remember about that was it hurt so much and I had to fight back tears at the thought of not carrying my own child or having any more. 

Part of the reason it hurt so much the way certain people would bring it up was because it felt so distant from their reality. They had biological children, many of them B”H very easily. 

I know people get curious or want to ask to help, but I think the way to handle this in conversations is to not outright say it, but leave the door open for them to bring it up. That could be just talking about their feelings right now, quelling their anxiety spirals but not fanning the flame. 

Be careful when texting “Thinking of you.”

At this point I’ve lost count of the amount of “Hey, thinking of you…” texts. Usually, when I get them I read them as, “Hey, I feel really bad for you. Not badly enough that I would do anything or meaningfully try to be there…”

As you can probably tell, it’s exhausting rerouting all the negative thoughts that are born out of hurt and pain. I know everyone that sent one of those messages meant for it to feel like a hug. And sometimes it actually did. 

This is the part where your specific relationship and intent come into play. I’ve had friends text me this and it felt like they were shooting me with some kind of pity confetti cannon. I’ve had other friends text it to me and it really felt like a hug.

The key difference was in the relationship I had with the person on the other side of the text. The friends who I knew loved me and saw me as more than my struggle, that’s when the “thinking of you” message helped rather than hurt me. 

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT tell me to be grateful for what I have. 

Gam zu l’tovah is my life. For the last 10 years there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t deeply pondered and tapped into it. I have a ridiculous amount of artwork showcasing my deep love of “Gam Zu L’Tovah.” It’s the inspiration behind this whole blog! 

Because of that, I know that the first rule of Gam Zu L’tovah is that it’s not for you to tell someone in their moment of struggle. It’s something THEY have to internalize at the right time. There may be people you encounter who can handle it, but most people I’ve met and spoken with about it seem to agree. 

I had moments in my deepest, darkest depression where I still had emuna that this was all for the good. I thought that emuna and depression were two ends of a spectrum, but the truth is that duality exists between them. You can be depressed and have emuna. 

If you want to inspire gratitude, just focus on your own and subtly lead by example. 

In the height (or depths?) of my depression, I opened up to someone about it and it was apparent that I shouldn’t have. As I was explaining my darkness to her, she just couldn’t relate at all (Thank G-d!) A week or two later, she sent over a very well-meaning, but incredibly hurtful present that I can only call a gratitude explosion. 

I thanked her in the moment, but inside I felt such turmoil. On the one hand, it was very sweet of her and she totally meant well. But on the other hand, the message that her gift expressed to me is, “Sorry you are depressed, gratitude is the cure!”

I truly, deeply believe in the power of gratitude. Oddly, even when I was clinically depressed I focused a great deal of energy on my gratitudes.  However, and it’s a big however, the “gratitude attitude” has to come from within. It’s not something you can force someone into and trying to do so may hurt them even more.

Shift the mindset to break the stigma.

 We all talk about wanting to outgrow the stigma of mental health, infertility, being an “older single,” or any in-your-face challenge, but I feel like there’s a lot of talk and not a lot of action about it. 

From a young age, in the religious world and beyond, we are taught to get married and have children. I think this is a very natural way to keep us as a species moving forward so I’m overall good with it. But I do think it sets people up to feel like failures, to lower self-esteem, to self-isolate when things don’t go as planned. 

We are also taught that if you observe mitzvos (commandments) and do all the right things you’ll get rewarded. That’s a very nice thought. But then where does that leave those who are suffering and yearning for a child? That we are being punished or did something wrong? 

I’ve found tremendous comfort and strength in the fact that the Imahos, our spiritual mothers, struggled with these same things, but it took me a while to get there. And before that, I’ve had comments from people that confirmed that some, maybe not everyone, really do feel that way. 

We don’t need to meet in person to hear you’re pregnant… 

Working one morning, I received a text from a friend asking if I wanted to go for a walk that day. I thought it was so sweet and was naively looking forward to it. 

About ten minutes into our walk, her energy shifted and she said, “Adina, I have to tell you something but I’m not sure if I should.” I was immediately uncomfortable and joked, “As long as it’s not Lashon Hara (gossip) it’s probably fine.” 

Next, she blurts out, “I’m pregnant!” I said, “B’sha’ah Tova, I’m so happy for you. I’m still sad for me, but in this moment I’m really happy for you!” And I meant it. Well, I think I did. This scenario repeated itself over and over again with different friends and different activities.

I remember reading a story about this in Amy Klein’s The Trying Game and it was a game-changer for me. At the time I’m writing this I’ve struggled with secondary infertility for over five years. In that time, I’ve had friends that dealt with telling me they were pregnant by text or organically when I saw them. 

Mostly, people would make this big deal about telling me. Something I’ve forced myself to do for my sanity is to recognize intentions, and then also recognize how it made me feel. 

I get the intention that this gesture was meant to be sensitive. But to me what it felt like was that I was this fragile, damaged snowflake to be pitied. And that I wasn’t normal or me. In The Trying Game, she also says that she appreciated people saying it by text, email or a letter because then she didn’t have to hold in tears and pretend to be OK in front of other people.   

Don’t ask if you can do anything or how you can be there, get creative and figure it out. 

I think this goes for just about any challenge. There are people that are able to articulate what they need in a challenging time, but I think for most of us juggling so much at once, asking how to help will often lead to, “It’s OK.” 

If someone were to say to me, “I can’t even imagine how hard it is going through all these treatments while working and taking care of your son. Here’s a gift card to a delicious Kosher restaurant, please order lunch on me!”  Supporting local businesses and a friend at the same time?! Win-win! 

I consider myself a naturally awful gift giver. I have one friend who is so over-the-top amazing at gift-giving that it’s become almost a new hobby for me to learn how to give meaningful gifts. 

The book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is pretty much my life-saving guideline to appropriately showing love and compassion to people. This helps in marriage, with my son, with friends, family and basically all creatures I interact with (Yes, I know my plants’ love languages!) 

If I know one of my friends LOVES getting a thoughtful gift, when she is going through a hard time that’s my go-to. I have another friend who loves delicious baked goods, so I will try to keep some chocolate chip cookie dough in the freezer for her. 

Just taking the time to know how people receive love, you can be better equipped on how to give to them in a meaningful way. If you really want to give to someone, get creative and try something. But asking me every time you see me with zero follow-through is definitely not the way to give to me.

It’s never too late… 

If you haven’t been able to be there in the right way, it’s not always too late. I was so appreciative when a friend saw me and said she really wanted to ask me how things were going and how I’ve been but didn’t want to pry. 

This is probably the most difficult part of breaking the stigma is that some people really don’t want to share about their journey and shouldn’t have to if that’s what feels good for them. 

Acknowledging that it’s something people go through and gaining sensitivity can go a long way. I can tell you first-hand that the struggle of infertility is an extremely painful experience, and I am no stranger to trauma. 

Just taking the time to think about what kind of friend, family member or co-worker that you want to be during one of the most painful times in life will help you be there for someone going through any challenge. But I do hope some “What not to do’s” will help steer you in the right direction.