If you are going to judge someone at all, judge favorably

I try my best to judge favorably with everyone, but it hurts when it’s not reciprocated. Being on the receiving end of judgment is a terrible feeling. As a mom, there have been way too many instances where I felt judged on my parenting or how my kid was acting.

I was at a Shabbos meal a few years ago when my son was three. It was a small apartment and a very long meal. That alone is a potent mix for a toddler. My son hadn’t been sleeping well and it took a toll on both of us in different ways. For me, I had less patience than normal and opted to “choose my battles” very carefully. This meal was not the time I would tackle every single behavior infraction.

There was another mom at the meal who rose to the occasion. Not to help in any meaningful way, but just to spew unsolicited advice at me from the salad course right up to bentching (prayer after the meal.) I literally just met this woman at this meal. She couldn’t have known anything about my situation, so her “advice” just came across as judgment.

Recently I was having a conversation with one of my amazing, inspirational friends. A situation had come up where she didn’t agree with a decision. At first when she told me she didn’t understand why I was making that decision, I felt hurt. I even said, “I’m a very intentional person and you know it – of course there would be a good reason!”

Once she heard my explanation it made total sense, but I found myself thinking of so many times where this has come up. I realized that at the core of this scenario was the fact that I try my best to be dan l’kaf zechus and judge favorably, but it hurts when I’m not on the receiving end of it. 

*sigh*

I had this realization and almost immediately morphed into action: what can I/we do about this? 

Silent struggles, loud boundaries

There are so many people going through so many different struggles. I have friends right now who are going through major life challenges that most people are completely oblivious to.

Last week, a friend and I were talking about how people have had very different approaches to the pandemic. A few people had shared with me about how they weren’t scared (read: weren’t wearing masks, social distancing, etc.) because they “only have Hashem to fear.” I lovingly argued, “But G-d also gives us our hishtadlus, effort in this world.” It could be a polarizing thing to say, but thankfully I surround myself with those who can embrace differences. 

Unfortunately, this friend I was talking to lost her father during the pandemic to COVID-19. People have said extraordinarily hurtful things to her like “COVID wasn’t even real.” Some of them even knew her father passed away during the pandemic when they said it.

*double sigh*

Of course, once you know what’s going on it’s easier to go easy on them. But we really need to train ourselves to just be more understanding all the time. Easier said than done. 

When I told my mom about this new realization, she so aptly reminded me that I essentially needed to be dan l’kaf zechus about others not being dan l’kaf zechus. And that we can only control ourselves, not other people. 

Empowered to say, “NO!”

I do think there is a power in bringing this idea into awareness to empower each one of us to be unapologetically us. I consider myself a pretty naturally giving person, and to achieve balance in my life I remind myself to set boundaries and make sure my giving isn’t depleting me. 

That means that there are times where I have to say NO. People do NOT like hearing that, especially if they don’t perceive a good reason for the no. Someone asked a favor of me, and I carefully considered whether I was able to or not. In that case, the answer was a no. 

Shortly after I received a voice message on What’sApp sharing how hurt they felt that I wasn’t able to help because it seemed like I am totally able to. At the time I was just recovering from a year-long depression related to my struggle with secondary infertility. 

I decided to call her and explain the situation, not to make her feel guilty for berating me, but to help her understand. Immediately she understood and we ended up having a very nice, healing conversation. How many calls and explanations could have been avoided with a little dan l’kaf zechus?!

*triple sigh*

Everyone deserves chessed 

Looking back I’m not sure if that was the right way of handling it. When you feel forced to explain yourself or give excuses, it doesn’t leave room for people to be dan l’kaf zechus. On the other hand, if I hadn’t explained my side of the story I don’t know how we would have resolved that in our friendship. 

I can’t stand the feeling of someone being upset at me. Maybe it’s just the people pleaser in me, but learning to say no has been extremely hard. I recently listened to a class about how chessed is the greatest segula. I wholeheartedly agree that chessed (a kind act) is beautiful and necessary. However, there are times when doing a chessed for someone means not doing a chessed for yourself.

There are so many techniques to help train yourself to judge favorably and treat others with kindness. Whenever I am struggling with something, I always try to find a spiritual source to help guide me out of my own mind-maze. This is what I found on judging favorably in the Torah: 

The first part of the verse sounds pretty straightforward. It’s the second part where I found the depth I was looking for. Before you love your fellow, you have to love yourself. That journey looks different for everyone. However, I did learn something in college that has helped me tremendously. 

When I was on my own journey to Jewish observance in college, I once learned an amazing idea from a Chabad maamar (essay.) When G-d created each person, He put a spark of G-dliness in everyone. Because of that, when you connect to another person, you are connecting to that G-dly spark. 

That’s where I found these two lines connect. To love your fellow as yourself is to recognize “I am Hashem,” that is to see the G-dliness in each soul no matter what. “No matter what” means no explanation needed.

*sigh of relief*

If we all looked at each other and saw the divine spark within, how much easier would it be to judge favorably. It’s not always in our nature, but our mission as humans is to rise above and do the hard work to then go easier on others.